When I met Rob I was taking Citalopram to treat depression and anxiety. This SSRI type of antidepressant works by boosting levels of a chemical called 'serotonin', which is a mood regulator and also prevents feeling of desire. Naturally, by boosting the leves, it will ultimately affect the process of falling in love. I tried to research, but there are seldom articles depicting the blunted ability to feel love, and so I hope sharing my experience will help put those who are on the medication, and have felt as though they are numb, at ease.
I was so nervous when I was on the train going to meet Rob for the first time that I was shaking. When I got there he suggested we get a bite to eat, but my stomach was in a knot. Whilst I didn't want to seem rude, I shared some of his pizza, but could barely eat more than a slice! Ask anybody about their first date with their loved one and I'm sure they will tell you a similar story of debilitating nerves. From this I never thought falling in love would be a problem.
Rob should be stamped with a sticker saying "Add for instant happiness!" because he really does make me happy. But SSRI's made me emotionally numb and I struggled with feeling the burning sensation in the pit of my stomach when we'd spend more time getting to know each other. My mood was so neutral it became frustrating for when I didn't get excited about all the little things he would do, like telling me I looked pretty. I knew that this was all down to my medication. I knew that if I wasn't taking them I would be head over heels, because in all honesty, there is nothing not to love about this guy!
I never once doubted that I shouldn't be with him, despite that I easily could have taken the lack of excitement or the typical in-the-pit-of-my-stomach feelings as a big no-go. I've always been emotional so I didn't understand why I couldn't be anything but calm, having finally found the perfect man. I have perfect memories of Rob looking at me the way he does for the first time, which could send any girl crazy, but all I felt was peace.
"The Buddhists say that if you meet somebody and your heart pounds, your hands shake, your knees go weak, that's not the one. When you meet your 'soul mate' you'll feel calm. No anxiety, no agitation."
All the time we spent getting to know each other, learning habits, enjoying each others company - was serene. I feel like I was taking a drug that slowed time right down, where I could really take in every detail, and not be overrun by intense feelings. I was so relaxed and in tune with the world, almost numb.
After a few months passed of taking my meds, and spending time with Rob, I was so happy with life that I decided to stop taking them. After a mini mishap of bad withdrawal effects, almost immediately after I finished taking the medication, I started to feel "love". I would look at Rob and almost burst with excitement and loveliness! Alongside all the happiness I was already feeling from just being with him.
I suppose that despite having these feelings blunted at the crucial part of a relationship, it has brought some positives. Even since I started to feel love again, it has only gotten stronger. When I look back at our first few dates, and all the time we spent together, I feel everything that I should have felt back then. Over a year on from then, I'm the happiest woman in the world.
Maybe I didn't get to fall in love like everybody else, but I had the chance to find a genuine connection without being blinded by 'love goggles'. The experience has only proven to me how right we are for each other, and how nothing can get in the way of such a profound connection between two people.
And it doesn't show any signs of toning down any time soon!
No comments:
Post a Comment