Overcoming Presentation Anxiety

The new school year has always given me surge of motivation to try new things. When I was younger this typically meant embracing a new hair colour a few weeks before classes started.. The idea that I could change over a summer, or a few days, was so appealing to me.

My final year at university has been no exception. As graduation approaches, and the date of submission for my dissertation looms, I've developed a real drive to improve myself. 

In this last week, I've done things I never dreamed I could. And what may seem trivial to some of you, isn't always so easy for others. I've always had some reservation about socializing, especially with people I'm not familiar with. The pangs of anxiety would eventually drive me away from the situation, and retreat back into my little quiet world. This anxiety extended to presentations too. 

This can be manageable when you're still in education, there are ways around presenting in front of a class. A favourite was to 'sleep in' and 'lose track of time so I couldn't make it'. But if I'm determined to get a 1st class honors, this simply can't be the case. 

I can't let it ruin this opportunity, so I've adopted a 'tough love' approach to these irrational feelings. 

And so far.. it's working like a charm. Today in class, I finally gave my first presentation. And guess what? The world didn't end! Although immediately afterward I was so relieved that I felt like I was about to cry.. This is a huge achievement for me personally, having shied away from putting myself in center stage for so long. Over the course of my degree a special support plan has been in place, where instead of presenting in class, I would complete the assignment one-to-one with my mentor. The anxiety I felt towards presentations was overwhelming, and the support plan was my comfort blanket. It has taken a lot of time to get here.

But the importance of this degree has made me really look at my weaknesses and force myself to improve. I no longer allow myself to hide away from these things. 

From now on I hope I can keep facing situations with this attitude I've adopted. The possibilities seem endless!

No Beauty Shines Brighter than that of a Good Heart

We are living in a superficial world. More value is placed on things like appearance and wealth than on what truly matters - the inside.

Have you ever stopped to think what it says about you as a person when you are more concerned with how much better your eyebrows are than hers, as opposed to how kindly you are able to treat others? Now I'm not tarnishing every woman with the same brush (sorry, but this is one for the ladies, as I find that our personalities falter more as a result) but as a result of embracing materialistic lifestyles we are effectively destroying each other. 

My point isn't that we should stop taking pride in our appearances and accentuating our favourite physical features, or stop treating ourselves to nice treats. But I've had a gut full of scrolling through my social media, or the news, and seeing nothing but contoured faces and expensive clothes. It worries me that a vast majority of us don't seem to be concerned with who we are inside, and that furthermore nobody feels the need to improve upon themselves. 

Contrary to popular belief - there is more to life than owning a similar outfit to Kim Kardashian. And there is much more to life than money.

Research has long shown that billionaires are not significantly happier than those who earn an average income. You might think that money can buy you everything - but it's been proven time and time again that true happiness is a result of healthy relationships, meaningful and challenging jobs, an interest in hobbies, and often a feeling of connection to something beyond ourselves. A self awareness.

When I scroll through Instagram and see a photo of a happy family or a couple in love, I double tap more often than not. Because it's posts like these that make me happy. Seeing and knowing that others are above materialism and placing value on things that money simply can't buy. What truly matters in life is beyond how well you can contour your face. 

Something that really bothers me is how this obsession with materialism has lead us to compete against each other. I rarely see women complimenting each other unless it's the subject of a lipstick shade, or an item of clothing. You shouldn't be priding yourself on being awarded some sordid prize of 'Rear of the Year'. All it means is that your real qualities as a human being were overlooked for materialism. What matters is not what others think of you, but how you think of yourself. And if you base an opinion of yourself on the outfit you have chosen, you're in for a real shock. 

It is human nature to criticse ourselves, have an inner voice that demands us to compete and change against others. This creates a warped self perception, only fueled by photoshopped images of our idolised celebrities, and competition from people who earn more than we do - that eventually leads to a discontent. The moment you realise that this isn't a competition for best dressed, you'll be happy. 

What matters most is how you care, your morality, decency, compassion. Your experiences, your words, your ideas and innovation. The connections you have made to the people around you, and your place in the world; beyond the need to be on the guest lists. Spend time focusing on these things, and you'll find yourself in a better place. 

Why it was hard to fall in love

Despite my recent engagement, it might surprise some to learn that falling in love was difficult. And that this is not the fairy tale love story you'd expect. Most of us know the feeling - intense butterflies, not being able to sleep or eat, you can't stop thinking about them, you have a smile on your face. All classic signs that you are falling in love. What happens when you simply can't feel that way, but you know you should be?

When I met Rob I was taking Citalopram to treat depression and anxiety. This SSRI type of antidepressant works by boosting levels of a chemical called 'serotonin', which is a mood regulator and also prevents feeling of desire. Naturally, by boosting the leves, it will ultimately affect the process of falling in love. I tried to research, but there are seldom articles depicting the blunted ability to feel love, and so I hope sharing my experience will help put those who are on the medication, and have felt as though they are numb, at ease. 

I was so nervous when I was on the train going to meet Rob for the first time that I was shaking. When I got there he suggested we get a bite to eat, but my stomach was in a knot. Whilst I didn't want to seem rude, I shared some of his pizza, but could barely eat more than a slice! Ask anybody about their first date with their loved one and I'm sure they will tell you a similar story of debilitating nerves. From this I never thought falling in love would be a problem. 

Rob should be stamped with a sticker saying "Add for instant happiness!" because he really does make me happy. But SSRI's made me emotionally numb and I struggled with feeling the burning sensation in the pit of my stomach when we'd spend more time getting to know each other. My mood was so neutral it became frustrating for when I didn't get excited about all the little things he would do, like telling me I looked pretty. I knew that this was all down to my medication. I knew that if I wasn't taking them I would be head over heels, because in all honesty, there is nothing not to love about this guy!

I never once doubted that I shouldn't be with him, despite that I easily could have taken the lack of excitement or the typical in-the-pit-of-my-stomach feelings as a big no-go. I've always been emotional so I didn't understand why I couldn't be anything but calm, having finally found the perfect man. I have perfect memories of Rob looking at me the way he does for the first time, which could send any girl crazy, but all I felt was peace.



"The Buddhists say that if you meet somebody and your heart pounds, your hands shake, your knees go weak, that's not the one. When you meet your 'soul mate' you'll feel calm. No anxiety, no agitation."

All the time we spent getting to know each other, learning  habits, enjoying each others company - was serene. I feel like I was taking a drug that slowed time right down, where I could really take in every detail, and not be overrun by intense feelings. I was so relaxed and in tune with the world, almost numb.

After a few months passed of taking my meds, and spending time with Rob, I was so happy with life that I decided to stop taking them. After a mini mishap of bad withdrawal effects, almost immediately after I finished taking the medication, I started to feel "love". I would look at Rob and almost burst with excitement and loveliness! Alongside all the happiness I was already feeling from just being with him.

I suppose that despite having these feelings blunted at the crucial part of a relationship, it has brought some positives. Even since I started to feel love again, it has only gotten stronger. When I look back at our first few dates, and all the time we spent together, I feel everything that I should have felt back then. Over a year on from then, I'm the happiest woman in the world.

Maybe I didn't get to fall in love like everybody else, but I had the chance to find a genuine connection without being blinded by 'love goggles'. The experience has only proven to me how right we are for each other, and how nothing can get in the way of such a profound connection between two people.

And it doesn't show any signs of toning down any time soon!

Battling the Demon of Low Self Esteem

I think everybody has had a moment in their life where they've simply not felt great about themselves. I know the feeling of trying to avoid mirrors/car windows/anything reflective, feeling like a total failure, unworthy of all that I have. Lowered self esteem, as a result of negative self talk, can stem from worries about your appearance, attitude, how you think others' might perceive you.

I can't be the only one who's ever taken a selfie and of course, the image reverses (to the correct way) and you think: omg is that what I look like?! I need a paper bag for this kind of thing!

When in reality, we are so accustomed to seeing our face a certain way, that when it's reversed it just looks really alien. Some researchers agree that a good percentage of us wouldn't recognise ourselves walking down a street. That's how warped our self-perception is!

~

We constantly evaluate ourselves based on things people have said to us, what we see in magazines, social values in our culture (Western society I'm talking to you). It's hard when we're surrounding by these false ideals of a person should be and look. How are we expected not compare ourselves to others? We are victims of negative self talk, but you wouldn't let another speak speak to you like this, so why should you put up with it from yourself?

Although appearance is a biggie, self esteem can manifest in other forms and can even affect your ability to be rewarded. For example, if you're experiencing low self esteem - but manage to land a new job - the sense of gratification wears off quickly. Your self esteem crumbles - "I must have tricked the manager in to liking me. I'm such a bad person." - when really, you're not!

It's increasingly difficult to revert that negative thinking and self talk. But it's poisonous. You can end up feeling as though you are unable to take on life's challenges.

When people think about low self esteem, they might assume it's due to critical parents or peers. But sometimes it's from within. My parents have never been hard on me, but I've grown up and put a lot of expectations and standards there myself because I enjoy a challenge. But when I don't meet these, I end up feeling like a failure.

~~~

I once attended an "Overcoming Anxiety" workshop. A few things I learned here can definitely be applied to this situation.

The root of low self esteem is negative thinking and self talk coming from beliefs that you have about who you are, or how you should be. The goal of this exercise is to challenge it. On a piece of paper, write what you are feeling bad about. Next, write the thoughts that surround it - what you tend to think about this matter. Rate your anxiety. Then, list the evidence that is against this belief. You'll usually find the list is a lot longer than your irrational thoughts! Now rate your anxiety, hopefully you feel somewhat better.

Here are two examples on a template I made. 

When you think of more reasons and evidence against your negative thoughts, write them down! Build it up so that the next time you start to think "I'm too stupid for this", you have enough reason to know otherwise. 

It's easy to let these thoughts dictate your life. I sometimes find myself spending a good portion of my day/week worrying about how I look, and it's hell when I've got lectures or plans with friends.  If I'm feeling down and lacking in confidence about appearance, I usually tell Rob. Saying it out aloud makes me realise how daft it really is to be thinking about. Surely there's more to life than being locked in an introspective self doubt pit?

If you're needing words of encouragement, who better than yourself. I think a great way to up your self esteem is to think about all the wonderful things you have done, or CAN do, rather than not.

Here's a great journal I came across on Pinterest. 

What I'm trying to say is focus on the positives, your beautiful qualities and quirks. Every person is unique, and not a single one should be a victim of comparison. It's hard to shift that inner voice, but with perseverance and a positive attitude toward flushing out the low self esteem - you can do it!

To finish off - here is a quote I've turned to year after year in times of distress:

"Optimism is key. If you expect the worst, the worst will happen. You are your own stress, your own anger, your own sadness and frustration. If you let things bother you, they will. Don't dwell."

Remember, you are in control, and you alone can make all the difference :-)

"Travel is the only thing you buy, that makes you richer."

There's nothing quite like that moment. You're tumbling through a busy strip, making your way to the next point of interest. You stop for a moment, look around you and feel that wanderlust taking over your being - a foreign city, a thousand beautiful sights you never dreamed of seeing, you feel more alive than you ever have. Present, mindful, happy.

They say you shouldn't wish away your time to the next holiday, instead you should create a life that doesn't need to be escaped. But sometimes the pressures around us become all to much, and for a person suffering with a mental illness - it only seems that much worse. When you become so accustomed to a way of life, it can be difficult to shake off habits that only excel a mental illness. Travelling lets you see the world from a new perspective, it interrupts your negative thoughts - there are far too many beautiful things around you to enjoy!

Whether you are looking for culture, food, art - Europe has it all. Here are two of my favourites.

Barcelona, Spain

A city full of mind blowing artwork by Gaudi, beautiful places of worship, and so many hidden gems down the winding side streets like St Joseph market.

Bridge of Sighs

Sagrada Familia

The Gingerbread Houses, Park Guell

     

Some of my favorite memories were made here. I'll never forget strolling through the city, so colourful in the summer sunshine, trying to find Sagrada Familia. When I turned a corner, I was in awe of the size (yet unfinished!) and complexity of this magnificent Roman catholic church. For the four short days I came to Barcelona, I barely had time to think of much beside the sights.The beautiful bright colours of the Gaudi houses are a bliss, and all I could think of was how lucky I am to be able to see it for myself.

Krakow, Poland

I loved Poland so much the first time I visited, I went again within 5 years. Both visits were during the winter months and the snow only adds to the magic of the Gothic 14th century architecture.

Jewish Quarter

St Mary's Basilica, Krakow Square

Auschwitz I

In between enjoying the breathtaking Old Town, Jewish Quarter and ghettos, I visited Auschwitz. 

Visiting this memorial let me experience, as best I could imagine, the harrowing and devastating lives that were short lived here under Nazi Germany. Seeing the ordeals faced by 1,100,000 people in this camp alone made my own troubles irrelevant and unnecessary. The vast scene of Birkenau camp is incredibly eerie and peaceful, and the saying is true - you can't hear a bird sing. I will undoubtedly visit again. 

In the square you will find a mix of beautiful restaurants and cafe's which are cheap! And a cloth market where you can buy gorgeous souvenirs. As well as one of my personal favorites: St Mary's Basilica. Krakow is a city where you learn the suffering of others, and celebrate lives and culture.

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It doesn't always have to be abroad. Travelling anywhere is rejuvenating for your mind, embracing the desires and opportunities to have new experiences has such a positive impact on your mental health. And when we view the world from another perspective, such as the tragedies that have happened elsewhere, we may start to appreciate what we have at home. So do it now, book that once-in-a-lifetime Thailand/Bali tour, because I bet you won't regret it.



Alice

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Note: Sorry for the short blog post this week. Finals are ongoing, lots of family things happening, trying to stay sane! Summer is around the corner, and I have so much left to tell you all :) see you soon, x