ABA Behaviour Change Project - Part 1

Following on from my last post; this year, for me, is all about personal development. As well as striving to improve my interpersonal communication skills ready for post university life, I'll be setting personal goals to improve or reduce behaviours that I feel affect my life.

This term I've taken a module on Applied Behaviour Analysis and I'll be completing a behaviour change project of my choice, with the idea of changing something profound.

So what have I chosen to change about me?

It might seem trivial to most, but I have always had difficulties in stopping myself from biting my nails. It has been a life long habit of mine since I first noticed I even had nails! There have been countless occasions where I've doused my hands in 'stop and grow', fake nails, amongst an array of other unorthodox methods, with very little results.

When I met Rob I somehow completely disregarded this awful habit for some time.

In the last 6 months I have slipped back in to old patterns and I'm back to biting. Oops! So what do I already know about my nail biting habits? Well, very little...

Despite that I've done it my whole life, I've never really considered WHY I do it. Maybe because it's such an automatic behaviour for me that most of the time I don't even realise I'm doing it. I'm an anxious person anyway, so I have an inkling that it may be playing a part..

Over the next 12 weeks I will be conducting a little experiment on myself to see if I can shake the habit, and whether it may have any affect on my mental health.

Visit my blog next week for to see how I got on!

If I followed my heart I'd wake up in Bali

It's 12:20am. I should be fast asleep right now. But for the umpteenth night in a row I am kept awake by the incessant longing for Bali that has haunted me every since I came home.

It's been less than three months since we left. And on returning, I swore I wouldn't be back too soon after stressful long haul flights, a very bad case of food poisoning (later discovered to be a rare form of salmonella) and the persistence of shop owners trying to convince me that they're Bintang bottle holders are the best you can get.

Yet here I am, having spent a good part of the last hour staring at the ceiling unable to bring my mind away from Bali. Why the pull? 

I miss the culture. Learning about the niche of Balinese hinduism was eye opening, how religon is fierce in every day of their lives. The Balinese taught me about how the good and the evil must co exist. A balance and presence of both is necessary, the world would never work without it.

I miss the art. Bali is ridden with artists with talent running deep in their veins, a passion and dedication to their sole artistic expression, decades or centuries of artistic ancestors who spent their lives creating vivid beauty. We visited a woodcrafting village in Ubud, where we saw firsthand the work that goes in to creating the most intricate carvings. The owner told us about how he was born into the trade and has never considered another career. His friends, uncles, siblings all have specialized in the creation of particular pieces.
A young painter insisted we buy a waterpaiting in our visit to Batuan, and told us how the first customer of the day brings good luck. We couldn't resist.

I long for the white sands of the South coast, with its heavy tropical blue waves. One of my favourite days were when we hired a moped from a small time clothing boutique owner in bustling Legian, for no more than £10 for the whole day (including petrol!), getting lost along the roads in between sights I could only dream up to be so spectacular.

We rode along the south Kuta coast, stopped at each notable beach including a narrow cave way down to the turquoise waters of Padang Padang. The Ripcurl surfing competition was ongoing, and we spent the day in awe, absorbing the rays and the amazing atmosphere.

 (Padang Padang)

 (Dreamland Beach)

Oh boy, do I miss the food. £3 for a bowl of curry so big it could feed me three times. And that's with a beer. I'm pretty sure if I stayed another week I'd have grown a second stomach. I'm missing their Kopi (coffee). 7am rise to a coffee so bitter it made the hair on your neck stand, before a new day of adventure, and we could never expect what awaited us.

I could be here for days writing about all the fascinating things I've seen and done in Bali, but I'll save that for another post. Dreaming about Bali is getting me through these long and dark last few weeks at university before Christmas time.

Overcoming Presentation Anxiety

The new school year has always given me surge of motivation to try new things. When I was younger this typically meant embracing a new hair colour a few weeks before classes started.. The idea that I could change over a summer, or a few days, was so appealing to me.

My final year at university has been no exception. As graduation approaches, and the date of submission for my dissertation looms, I've developed a real drive to improve myself. 

In this last week, I've done things I never dreamed I could. And what may seem trivial to some of you, isn't always so easy for others. I've always had some reservation about socializing, especially with people I'm not familiar with. The pangs of anxiety would eventually drive me away from the situation, and retreat back into my little quiet world. This anxiety extended to presentations too. 

This can be manageable when you're still in education, there are ways around presenting in front of a class. A favourite was to 'sleep in' and 'lose track of time so I couldn't make it'. But if I'm determined to get a 1st class honors, this simply can't be the case. 

I can't let it ruin this opportunity, so I've adopted a 'tough love' approach to these irrational feelings. 

And so far.. it's working like a charm. Today in class, I finally gave my first presentation. And guess what? The world didn't end! Although immediately afterward I was so relieved that I felt like I was about to cry.. This is a huge achievement for me personally, having shied away from putting myself in center stage for so long. Over the course of my degree a special support plan has been in place, where instead of presenting in class, I would complete the assignment one-to-one with my mentor. The anxiety I felt towards presentations was overwhelming, and the support plan was my comfort blanket. It has taken a lot of time to get here.

But the importance of this degree has made me really look at my weaknesses and force myself to improve. I no longer allow myself to hide away from these things. 

From now on I hope I can keep facing situations with this attitude I've adopted. The possibilities seem endless!

No Beauty Shines Brighter than that of a Good Heart

We are living in a superficial world. More value is placed on things like appearance and wealth than on what truly matters - the inside.

Have you ever stopped to think what it says about you as a person when you are more concerned with how much better your eyebrows are than hers, as opposed to how kindly you are able to treat others? Now I'm not tarnishing every woman with the same brush (sorry, but this is one for the ladies, as I find that our personalities falter more as a result) but as a result of embracing materialistic lifestyles we are effectively destroying each other. 

My point isn't that we should stop taking pride in our appearances and accentuating our favourite physical features, or stop treating ourselves to nice treats. But I've had a gut full of scrolling through my social media, or the news, and seeing nothing but contoured faces and expensive clothes. It worries me that a vast majority of us don't seem to be concerned with who we are inside, and that furthermore nobody feels the need to improve upon themselves. 

Contrary to popular belief - there is more to life than owning a similar outfit to Kim Kardashian. And there is much more to life than money.

Research has long shown that billionaires are not significantly happier than those who earn an average income. You might think that money can buy you everything - but it's been proven time and time again that true happiness is a result of healthy relationships, meaningful and challenging jobs, an interest in hobbies, and often a feeling of connection to something beyond ourselves. A self awareness.

When I scroll through Instagram and see a photo of a happy family or a couple in love, I double tap more often than not. Because it's posts like these that make me happy. Seeing and knowing that others are above materialism and placing value on things that money simply can't buy. What truly matters in life is beyond how well you can contour your face. 

Something that really bothers me is how this obsession with materialism has lead us to compete against each other. I rarely see women complimenting each other unless it's the subject of a lipstick shade, or an item of clothing. You shouldn't be priding yourself on being awarded some sordid prize of 'Rear of the Year'. All it means is that your real qualities as a human being were overlooked for materialism. What matters is not what others think of you, but how you think of yourself. And if you base an opinion of yourself on the outfit you have chosen, you're in for a real shock. 

It is human nature to criticse ourselves, have an inner voice that demands us to compete and change against others. This creates a warped self perception, only fueled by photoshopped images of our idolised celebrities, and competition from people who earn more than we do - that eventually leads to a discontent. The moment you realise that this isn't a competition for best dressed, you'll be happy. 

What matters most is how you care, your morality, decency, compassion. Your experiences, your words, your ideas and innovation. The connections you have made to the people around you, and your place in the world; beyond the need to be on the guest lists. Spend time focusing on these things, and you'll find yourself in a better place. 

Why it was hard to fall in love

Despite my recent engagement, it might surprise some to learn that falling in love was difficult. And that this is not the fairy tale love story you'd expect. Most of us know the feeling - intense butterflies, not being able to sleep or eat, you can't stop thinking about them, you have a smile on your face. All classic signs that you are falling in love. What happens when you simply can't feel that way, but you know you should be?

When I met Rob I was taking Citalopram to treat depression and anxiety. This SSRI type of antidepressant works by boosting levels of a chemical called 'serotonin', which is a mood regulator and also prevents feeling of desire. Naturally, by boosting the leves, it will ultimately affect the process of falling in love. I tried to research, but there are seldom articles depicting the blunted ability to feel love, and so I hope sharing my experience will help put those who are on the medication, and have felt as though they are numb, at ease. 

I was so nervous when I was on the train going to meet Rob for the first time that I was shaking. When I got there he suggested we get a bite to eat, but my stomach was in a knot. Whilst I didn't want to seem rude, I shared some of his pizza, but could barely eat more than a slice! Ask anybody about their first date with their loved one and I'm sure they will tell you a similar story of debilitating nerves. From this I never thought falling in love would be a problem. 

Rob should be stamped with a sticker saying "Add for instant happiness!" because he really does make me happy. But SSRI's made me emotionally numb and I struggled with feeling the burning sensation in the pit of my stomach when we'd spend more time getting to know each other. My mood was so neutral it became frustrating for when I didn't get excited about all the little things he would do, like telling me I looked pretty. I knew that this was all down to my medication. I knew that if I wasn't taking them I would be head over heels, because in all honesty, there is nothing not to love about this guy!

I never once doubted that I shouldn't be with him, despite that I easily could have taken the lack of excitement or the typical in-the-pit-of-my-stomach feelings as a big no-go. I've always been emotional so I didn't understand why I couldn't be anything but calm, having finally found the perfect man. I have perfect memories of Rob looking at me the way he does for the first time, which could send any girl crazy, but all I felt was peace.



"The Buddhists say that if you meet somebody and your heart pounds, your hands shake, your knees go weak, that's not the one. When you meet your 'soul mate' you'll feel calm. No anxiety, no agitation."

All the time we spent getting to know each other, learning  habits, enjoying each others company - was serene. I feel like I was taking a drug that slowed time right down, where I could really take in every detail, and not be overrun by intense feelings. I was so relaxed and in tune with the world, almost numb.

After a few months passed of taking my meds, and spending time with Rob, I was so happy with life that I decided to stop taking them. After a mini mishap of bad withdrawal effects, almost immediately after I finished taking the medication, I started to feel "love". I would look at Rob and almost burst with excitement and loveliness! Alongside all the happiness I was already feeling from just being with him.

I suppose that despite having these feelings blunted at the crucial part of a relationship, it has brought some positives. Even since I started to feel love again, it has only gotten stronger. When I look back at our first few dates, and all the time we spent together, I feel everything that I should have felt back then. Over a year on from then, I'm the happiest woman in the world.

Maybe I didn't get to fall in love like everybody else, but I had the chance to find a genuine connection without being blinded by 'love goggles'. The experience has only proven to me how right we are for each other, and how nothing can get in the way of such a profound connection between two people.

And it doesn't show any signs of toning down any time soon!