#BeAGoodListener

A big hello to anyone who felt the title of this article might be worth a read! It's been a while since I blogged, but this topic is something that is important to me and I wanted to share a few things that may inspire you to be a better advocate, supporter, or listener for somebody experiencing poor mental health.

1 in 4 people in the UK experience a mental health problem ever year with anxiety and depression being the most commonly diagnosed (Mind, 2017). The chances of you currently experiencing, or being close to someone with poor mental health, are extremely high. It comes as a no brainer (to me anyway) that there should be more information available on how to support someone experiencing symptoms of these illnesses. Particularly when funding is so scare for adequate professional support.

Mental illness can be socially isolating, difficult to manage, and present further challenges in coping with every day life to those who experience it.

I always see people sharing and writing posts letting their friends and followers know that if they are ever in need of a helping hand, that they are there for them. And I think it's absolutely amazing.

But how do you support someone with a mental health problem if you haven't experienced it yourself, you don't have professional training, or you wouldn't know how? Listening to somebody can make all the difference. 

Give them a safe space

Allow the person time and emotional space to vent, and articulate how they are feeling. It can be difficult to verbalise these feelings in the English language and this can be really frustrating for the person. 

Don't talk over them

This sort of goes hand in hand with the above, allowing space. It comes so naturally to want to give advice to someone, especially if you see that they are struggling to cope. But sometimes, this can come across that you aren't taking in what they are saying. Listen to understand, don't listen to respond. 

Understand that this might be a first

This could be the first and/or only time they will tell somebody how they have been feeling. Recognise the courage they are showing by opening up. Understand that they are placing a lot of trust in you by sharing their emotions, feelings, and thoughts. Appreciate the conversation. They are trying their best, and have taken a big step in telling you what's been going on.

Don't make assumptions

With the above points in mind, don't try and tell the person how they might be feeling, dismiss them by saying that they may be overreacting, or tell them why you think they might be feeling this way. If it is someone close to you, you may think it seems obvious that certain stressors have lead them to experience this. However the person may not be aware of the cause, or thinking about the triggers might make them feel worse. 

Believe them

Fundamentally, believe fully that what they are experiencing is real and scary to them. It can be isolating and frightening to experience dark thoughts, and poor communication can only make this worse. 

You might be thinking "If I can't offer advice, how can I help?"..

But in truth, just being present with the person can support them.

Dealing with Big Changes

I've never been one to deal very well with change. When I'm faced with an alien situation I tend to assume the worst that something will go wrong. I suppose it's natural that we prepare ourselves for the worst, because then of course - anything good which can come of the situation would seem a nice surprise.

But thinking so pessimistically, anxiously, can also strip away any positivity that you would otherwise reap from a new chapter in life.

I've recently moved out of Wales and into a foreign (well, English!) city, having finished my undergraduate, and about to embark on a new job - I'm feeling the crunch. More than anything I want to enjoy my new life here in Bristol, but I'm struggling to gel with the level of change which is happening all around me. I've officially moved out of home, now about to start renting my own place, I no longer have assignments as my university days are behind me. To most, this would seem like a wave of freedom, but to me it's panic.

Maybe its a lack of self esteem (the forever question - do I really deserve this happiness?), maybe its a lack of confidence, or maybe I'm making the wrong decisions about where my life is going.

Recently I've been reading Headspace. A self help book working towards integrating mindfulness and meditation into every day life. I've spent years believing if I keep myself busy then I won't have to face difficult emotions. Even without anything specific to do, I will often end up scrolling on Facebook, Instagram, and the like, just to escape facing what's actually happening.

The matter of fact is, your worries and problems are always going to be waiting for you when you log off/switch off/finish cleaning your entire house. Headspace has taught me to consider my mind as the sky, and any thoughts or emotions as clouds. Some days you have dark clouds hovering over you, sometimes its a bit patchy or rainy, but beneath it all is an eternal blue sky - so experience the clouds, they will soon pass.

I'm just no longer distracting myself from the very real world around me, by the often falsely secure one we receive online. I have to face the change that is before me. And embrace is with open arms. Moving in to our first place, starting my first non-waitress-or-assistant job, the good and the bad of this big learning curve. I want these emotions to paint a picture in my mind that I will look back to in years to come. Life is not something you can escape.

The fundamental message for me, in the face of change, is to remain present and experience it as fully as you can. The clouds are going to pass!

Little Welsh Girl Makes it Big

I come from a family who has lived in the deep green valleys of south Wales for generations. Most of the my ancestors even then have only ever lived a few miles from each other, predominantly in and around Quarter Bach on the foot of the Black mountain.

Growing up in a small welsh village, educated in a primary school of about 30 pupils in total, I never dreamed I would be months away from graduation today.

My Mamgu and Daps lived just down the road, and my great grandparents a stones throw from my front door. There was always a big emphasis placed on the importance of our strong family ties, and the sense of togetherness we all seemed to have. I had everything I needed in my small world. 

As a child I remember spending much of my time playing out until dark on the estate with my few friends from school. Coming in every night with a cold runny nose and a big smile. Life was simple.

I suppose you could say I started to see my world differently after my parents divorced when I was 7 years old. I began to question life regularly, forming a strong introspective voice that to this day hasn't left my side. I developed a passion for understanding the world around me. Conspiracies, stories of the great Pyramids, the wonders of space and the possibility of alien life, and endless documentaries about nature would light a fire inside me that has only grown in warmth and size. My grandfather and I spent many afternoons and evenings watching and reading with fascination.

He has always given me the chance to explore my thoughts openly with him. He would often challenge them, and I valued his opinions,  but always managed to hold my own. Something I've not been able to do with many else. Debating such big concepts and issues, at such a young and impressionable age, opened my eyes to the world around me.

My passion for understanding human nature had led me to pursue my undergraduate here at Bangor. I have a dream to follow this until I can help others make sense of the world around them and get the most out of life.

I have had the privilege of exploring all my academic curiosities. And as a person, I have overcome hardships. It's been an intense three years, and having spent my life in education; I'm not entirely sure what to expect beyond this. Many nights have been spent in distress. I have at times convinced myself of my worthlessness, and lack of ability to reach my goals. I never would have done this without the emotional support from my other half and family.

Graduation is a huge milestone in my life, and I am proud to have come this far. But I can't wait to keep going.

"Anything is possible if you've got enough nerve." 

ABA Behaviour Change Project - Part 2

Hello! As promised, here is an update about my progress in the behaviour change project.
First - a quick refresher..

So in my applied behaviour analysis module one of our assignments is to conduct a behaviour change project. We had to pick a certain behaviour we'd like to eliminate or improve upon. Having been a prolific nail biter my whole life I decided now is the opportunity to rid of this habit once and for all.

Baseline

I recorded the amount of times I'd bite or pick at my nails every day for a week. Alongside this, I filled out an ABC diary to help understand some of the environmental/stimulus factors that may lead me to bite my nails. Here are my results...

	Week 1 - Baseline
Day 1	7
Day 2	9
Day 3	6
Day 4	9
Day 5	6
Day 6	15
Day 7	7

Initial thoughts before the week started were about how stressed out I was at the time. I had a lot of uni work/lectures to catch up on, as well as my peak season in my part time job, and training days for volunteer work. The results didn't really surprise me, if anything I thought it would be higher than this. As a second measured, I completed a Zung Self Report Anxiety Scale and got a 63. Not good. The score lies in the "Severe Anxiety Level" boundary. 

From my ABC diary, I found that on days where I was particular busy with practical and hands on work i.e. in volunteering, or my part time work (cleaning tasks) - I bit my nails a lot less. Most nail biting actually occurred at times where I was concentrating; like during lectures, watching TV, and working on assignments where I would spend a lot of time thinking hard about things.

Day 6 was a particularly bad day for my hands (15 times). Below is my ABC diary for that day...

	A (antedecent)	B (behaviour)	C (consequence)
Day 6	1) Stress from family.                   2) Exhausted from peak season hours at work.                               3) Data analysis.	Excessively picked at and bit my fingernails/skin around them	Really short, a lot of my fingers left with nothing else to bite off.

On Day 6 I was at work during a kids club shift (usually I sit for a few hours watching over the children playing etc). I had a lot on my mind as well as having spent my few free hours that day trying to get some data analysis done. Enough said, stats is enough to send me to an early grave. I put my hand to mouth 15 times total.

Intervention 

I needed to challenge my behaviour. If keeping my hands busy seemingly caused me to bite my nails less, then maybe using a 'competing response' to the urge would work. A no brainer. For the last week I've been sitting on my hands or clenching my fists every time I have felt the urge to bite my nails. Of course with the automatic nature of my habit, I sometimes didn't notice that I had even began to bite them! I recorded each time I would bite my nails (after eventually realising) and instead use a competing response until the urge went away. Below are my results...

	Week 2 - Intervention
Day 1	3
Day 2	2
Day 3	3
Day 4	2
Day 5	2
Day 6	3
Day 7	1

Already, a huge difference. I've still bitten my nails, however having made myself aware of the times it is likely to occur and using a competing response every time I feel I might bite them, we can see that actual nail biting has reduced from 8.4 times a day (baseline week Mean), to 2.3 times a day (intervention week Mean). But I think the biggest difference can be seen from my Zung Anxiety Score from the end of this week - a 36. This is classed as a normal range anxiety score.

~

I'm about to start on my second intervention week, and hopefully I will be able to say I've gone a whole day without biting! Watch this space... 

ABA Behaviour Change Project - Part 1

Following on from my last post; this year, for me, is all about personal development. As well as striving to improve my interpersonal communication skills ready for post university life, I'll be setting personal goals to improve or reduce behaviours that I feel affect my life.

This term I've taken a module on Applied Behaviour Analysis and I'll be completing a behaviour change project of my choice, with the idea of changing something profound.

So what have I chosen to change about me?

It might seem trivial to most, but I have always had difficulties in stopping myself from biting my nails. It has been a life long habit of mine since I first noticed I even had nails! There have been countless occasions where I've doused my hands in 'stop and grow', fake nails, amongst an array of other unorthodox methods, with very little results.

When I met Rob I somehow completely disregarded this awful habit for some time.

In the last 6 months I have slipped back in to old patterns and I'm back to biting. Oops! So what do I already know about my nail biting habits? Well, very little...

Despite that I've done it my whole life, I've never really considered WHY I do it. Maybe because it's such an automatic behaviour for me that most of the time I don't even realise I'm doing it. I'm an anxious person anyway, so I have an inkling that it may be playing a part..

Over the next 12 weeks I will be conducting a little experiment on myself to see if I can shake the habit, and whether it may have any affect on my mental health.

Visit my blog next week for to see how I got on!